Sleepless

I had hoped to dream of you last night, my love… but instead, I just didn't sleep. That's been happening a lot this week. Worried about my mom, who is going through some difficult times. Worried about my step-dad, who I know has her, but who has him? (my brother and I are doing our best to be there for both of them…). Worried about you, and how you're doing…

Worried about Z. It was right around this time last year that things really went south for him… though, in retrospect, he had been different for months on end leading up to that… Whereas this year he's his usual goofy, chatty, fun-loving self. But, man… seasons… it can be hard to shake off the feeling that this year is going to be the same as the last, even when there's no reason to actually believe it, you know? Like how I got laid off two Novembers in a row. It was four or five years before I didn't spend the entire fall anxiously waiting for that axe to fall…

And I hate how needy this makes me feel, but I'm worried a bit about us. Even though you made our last get-together happen. And ensured we have another one coming up. And we tossed around ideas for other ones. There's no reason for it. This winter is already shaping up to be our best yet. Well… it's only in the dark in the middle of the night while sleep seems so elusive. But it leaves echos.

And then the alarm clock in my body being ever so helpful, waking me up just a few short hours after my brain finally settled down for the night, sometime after your green dot finally disappeared (though I do sometimes wonder if you're actually up all that time, or if FB is glitching out…). Do you know, I don't think I've mentioned this but that is a learned behavior. I used to be a night owl, decades ago. But waking up early… it was useful when she was a teacher… it was useful when the kids were small… but now? Not so much. But I have so very little incentive to unlearn it, and an almost visceral need to get out of that bed each morning…

But if I had you there next to me every morning… Pretty sure getting out of bed would suddenly become the hardest thing I have to do all day.

Anyways… I'll be fine. I'll almost certainly take a cat nap or three throughout the day. But I guess it's only fair to let you know that anxiety does run in my family. That was a significant component of Thing Two's troubles last winter. My mom's current issues revolve around medications used for managing it. My brother has had similar problems. Me? I think it hits me less than it does them, just as a function of my personality type… I am far more inclined than any of them to think that everything is going to work out just fine. But, it's still there. Still rears its ugly head from time to time. So far, in my life, I've been able to manage it on my own, though I'm open to seeking help if it ever gets worse. But for now… two or three sleepless nights out of every six months or so isn't too bad.

I hope you have a beautiful day, my love. I hope you weren't actually as sleepless as I was last night, regardless of what FB's little green dot suggested. Or if you were, that you get to sleep in today. I hope you enjoy my video. You probably know by now, but yes, it's for you. I hope I get to see you sometime before the concert… though I guess in truth, in the grand scheme of things it's not all that long from now…

And I hope it's not just a pipe dream that one day, before too long, I'll get to lounge around in bed with you on the weekends until “morning” has long since come and gone…

I love you.

Yours,
♒️